son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
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As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”