No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
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No selfies while hijacking a train.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭