Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
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If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*