My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.