My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos