Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
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DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .