Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
You Might Also Like
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.