You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
S/o to @funTweeters .
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots