wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
You Might Also Like
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Rather alarming headline…
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit