My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
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I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
🤣🤣🤣
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!