My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Coffee is ready.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?