I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.