The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
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yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read