When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
God, I love Scotland
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I mean…but I did
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40