Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways