I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
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*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening