I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
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Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
how to market bottled water to dads
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Sorry. Not sorry
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
This is always good for a laugh.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same