My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
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I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.