INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
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I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
me logging onto twitter
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Very good! 👍😂
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long