WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
You Might Also Like
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
reviewed some movies recently
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.