It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
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The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
How about daylight saves us for once
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.