The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
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Snapes on a plane.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?