I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
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Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english