Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of farleftcoast's best tweets

@farleftcoast : Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let's talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

@farleftcoast: The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.

@farleftcoast: Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.

@farleftcoast: For Christmas this year I'm going to pay my bills and look at pictures of Europe and cry.

@farleftcoast: Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.

@farleftcoast: The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.

@farleftcoast: Grapes for breakfast it is!

Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.

@farleftcoast: Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.

@farleftcoast: A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.

@farleftcoast: I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.