Text from husband: Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.
Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.
For Christmas this year I’m going to pay my bills and look at pictures of Europe and cry.
Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
Grapes for breakfast it is!
Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.
Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.
A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.
I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.