Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
You Might Also Like
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me in tagged photos
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off