Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
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me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??