i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
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I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?