You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
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i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge