Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
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I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Good point.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.