@Faungirl123

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

@faungirl123

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

@faungirl123

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

@faungirl123

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

@faungirl123

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

@faungirl123

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

@faungirl123

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven