If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Breaking news:
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’