If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Lmao 🤣
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect