[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never