It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
You Might Also Like
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
The French cow says MEUX…
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…