Saturday
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Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
what kind of cook setting is this??
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
All generalizations are stupid.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.