The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
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Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills