Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
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If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites