@figgled

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

@figgled

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

@figgled

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

@figgled

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

@figgled

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

@figgled

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

@figgled

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

@figgled

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

@figgled

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta