@figgled

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

@figgled

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

@figgled

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

@figgled

Before u leave the house, think of the acronym ‘WOWEE’

Wallet
phOne
Wkeys
Egg
Egg (backup)

@figgled

Watching a movie and loudly saying ‘couldn’t do that now. because of covid’ every ten seconds

@figgled

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

@figgled

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

@figgled

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

@figgled

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite