Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.