relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
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John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”