One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
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The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Saw online –
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.