Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
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Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
lmao
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.