If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
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These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
#NeverForget
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides