I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
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Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too