I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
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As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
#NeverForget
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Breaking news:
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?