My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.