friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now