What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.