Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of fishbowel's best tweets

@fishbowel : Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes Everyone: *freaking out* Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours Everyone: *calms down* Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

@fishbowel: Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

@fishbowel: Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

@fishbowel: Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

@fishbowel: Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you'll love it

@fishbowel: Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you've been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

@fishbowel: Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

@fishbowel: Me: I drug tested our son

Wife: and?

Me: he failed

Wife: oh no

Me: he doesn’t know anything about drugs, he didn’t even know what weed was

@fishbowel: Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

@fishbowel: *first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what