Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
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Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien