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My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!