I may be small, but so is a grenade.
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This cat wants you to take your pills
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.